nonexistent certainty

" 'Yeah. Maybe so. Nothing's so simple, is it? I don't know who to be,
how to judge anything. I can't come to easy solutions. There's always
someone or something in my own life that contradicts any judgment I
ever make.'
She began to weep, silent, the tears flowing silently down
her face. She didn't raise her hand to wipe them. She just sat, head
straight, looking at the road ahead, weeping.
'What do you do when you love everybody on every side of the war?' she
asked in a low, low voice.
'Oh, my dear.' Teresa said, her voice low and husky too, her eyes
filled with tears. 'I don't know.'"
-paula gunn allen, 'the woman who owned the shadows' (read it).


this quote makes me cry, sometimes. other times it just feels real and raw like touching that delicate skin around the eyes (that thin skin that turns red and burns when you cry too much) with your fingertips, touching so lightly. real, like that.
what do you do when you love everybody on every side of the war--the loved ones who hurt you but are still lovable; the way you can be at war within yourself and yet still love yourself...
sometimes i really wonder if i'll ever be sure--deep down in my bones sure--about anything.
and then i start to think about faith and what that has to do with surety.

"when you do not know, you know
and when you know, you do not know
and when you think you do, you die
and when you do not think, you grow..."-mason jennings, 'jesus are you real' (listen)

sometimes i wonder.
and other times i shrug my shoulders and hope that i'm not making too many mistakes.

b