limbo

every day i feel a deeper and deeper restlessness, a longing for an idealized future that very well may or may not ever exist. the future that begins after may 23, 2009.
and as i try and figure this out, i'm realizing it's different from all the work i've done in the past few years to "live in the present moment". all of that work has centered around letting go of the past in order to not let fears dictate my actions now. i've succeeded at that in some places in my life, and am still failing pretty miserably in others. but i'm aware of all this, and i'm trying.

but now i am stuck in limbo, longing for an idealized future. and it is a future that i honestly believe will be more healthy and whole and enjoyable than the ‘now’ that i am in. so how do i live in the present if i just plain don’t want to? (that's not really a rhetorical question, friends, so feel free to comment-it-up)

‘cause this is what I can see, once I am done with this degree, this school, this social fishbowl:

I see myself living in a house, with wood floors and pleasant housemates and a kitchen. A kitchen where I can make any kind of food any time I want. A bed that’s big enough to share, big enough to sleep diagonally, corner to corner. A house that I can settle into, a place where I can forego posters and christmas lights for framed pieces and funky furniture. A home.

I see myself being free to love and be loved, body, mind, soul, and heart. Love in the hard times and love in the easy-breathing times, and love in the laughing times. Learning to love in particularities. Learning the topography of another’s heart and body, and allowing another to learn mine. A love.

I see myself working at a job, or two, sometimes loving it and sometimes not. Working and then clocking out, going home, to an evening filled with friends and food or ultimate Frisbee or reading or making art or going to a show…to an evening free to fill it any way I like. I see myself having some semblance of a regular income, and living modestly, most likely, but in general just free from the dramatic rollercoaster between infrequent income and infrequent expenses. A job.

I see myself letting art back in, not just conceptually, but literally, devoting time and energy to the creation of images on paper and canvas, to the creation of word-pictures and stories. I see a canvas with oil paint still wet on it, I see a list of poem-, story-, essay-, sermon- ideas just waiting to be written. An artistic passion.

I see myself being able to give of myself to my faith community the way I want to—freely—not torn between that life and a life an hour (and sometimes a whole world, it seems like) away. I can dive in on projects and give them more than a few hours a week. I can approach worship every week with some semblance of energy and not a rushed spirit. An active faith.

now, obviously, this 'vision' and being in grad school are not at all mutually exclusive. i know many fellow students who met their spouses here, i know many students who feel at home here, who come into their own spiritually, etc. but so much about being here, at least right now, feels stifling.

articulating dreams helps. but i have lived with my head perpetually in the clouds for a long time, for other reasons. i value what's happening down here on earth, too.

simple, beautiful, holy dreams, i wish for you,
b